DIY VIRAL
The author Robert Scucci
| Published
The phrase “direct to video” is usually associated with low-budget projects that could not secure a wide theatrical release. More often than not, this is the correct logic to follow. However, there is one film from 1996 that defies all logic Theodore Rex – a $33.5 million sci-fi buddy cop movie starring Whoopi Goldberg and the film's anthropomorphic dinosaur, portrayed just a little too enthusiastically by George Newbern (Father of the bride).
While I'm usually a huge fan of titles that are 'so bad they're good' Theodore Rex is one of those movies that will haunt me until I'm on my deathbed. What's more, I think New Line Cinema is aware of this fact, which is why you can't find this movie anywhere streaming platform as of this writing.
Futuristic Dino Detectives?
Theodore Rex waste no time insulting your intelligence with a Star Wars-style exposition scroll on the front of the film that tells you everything you need to know:
There's a clumsy but lovable dinosaur named Theodore Rex who wants to be a detective, and a disgraced and tough futuristic cop named Katie Coltrane (Whoopi Goldberg) who is tasked with solving a murder case with said dinosaur against her will. to restore her emblem, and a crime scene with a dead dinosaur that leads to a grand conspiracy involving evil billionaire Elizar Kane (Armin Mueller-Stahl), who wants to use fish DNA to usher in a new ice age for… reasons.
Confusing character design
The most frustrating part about Theodore Rex is its character design. I'll be the first to admit that walking and talking dinosaur puppets look great for a light-hearted mid-90s movie, whatever that movie is, but their personalities make absolutely no sense and seem like they were created for the sole purpose of making the audience sneer at screen while saying “haha that's so random!”
For example, Theodore Rex's decorated upstairs apartment has an automated cookie-shooting device for when he wants a snack. Let's unpack this for a moment, because our dino detective hero is low on the totem pole in his PR career and only aspires to to be a policeman in the first act.
How can Theodore Rex afford this lifestyle and why does he like cookies so much?
What does he do aside from keeping a seemingly endless supply of white chocolate macadamia nut cookies ready in an apartment so massive that even Fraser Crane would be jealous of his living situation? Was the cookie shooter custom made? At least we know his massive tail-adaptive van was purchased with taxpayer money, but I have no compelling reason to believe Theodore Rex has “cookie shooter money” by any stretch of the imagination.
Theodore too, as well as the rest of the dinosaurs, who are by nature integrated into society created by a villain everyone has decided they don't want to be carnivores anymore and it's not fully explained. If I had to guess, this quirk was created for the sole purpose of making the dinosaurs of this universe just that little bit quirkier.
Whoopi Goldberg didn't want to be there
During a 2015 interview with Folha de S. Paulo Whoopi Goldberg didn't mince words when he said he didn't want to film Theodore Rex. In fact, producer Richard Gilbert Abramson filed a $20 million lawsuit against Goldberg when she tried to back out of making the film after allegedly making a verbal agreement to play Katy Coltrane in 1992. As a result of the settlement, Goldberg reluctantly agreed to move. is moving forward with the project, but her disdain is evident in every frame.
There is no punch Theodore Rex it's not accompanied by a worried look on Goldberg's face, as if to say, “I can't believe I'm saying these words out loud.” It's also not revealed until the third act that Katy Coltrane is part cyborg, which doesn't help the plot in any way, aside from the fact that she walks around so unenthusiastically—like a drugged cat following a laser pointer—most of the time. movie. Part of me wonders if this revelation was simply added to the script to explain the callousness of Goldberg's movements and line delivery.
Whoopi Goldberg was paid $7 million to appear in the film Theodore Rex.
It's fine if you want to pass this on
Theodore Rex is not available anywhere on the streaming site, which is probably good for humanity. Humanity is overstimulated by endless technological innovation, multiple wars, economic hardship, famine, corruption, advertising, get-rich-quick schemes, and a sense of political division that will probably get worse before things get better. Most people sit down to watch Theodore Rex as a means of escaping the horrors of modern life may be the very thing that overwhelms them.
I regretted the 92 minutes of my time I spent Theodore Rexnot all hope is lost. I watched this movie so you don't have to. But if you're a glutton for punishment, you can probably find every copy of this movie at the bottom of a decades-old tar pit where they belong.
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DIY VIRAL
