An 80s martial arts train wreck that isn't streaming

The author Robert Scucci
| Updated 1 hour ago

What do you get when you combine the grace and elegance of gymnastics with the discipline and precision of karate? There is only one correct answer to this question, and that is 1985 Gymkata – one of the most unintentionally hilarious martial arts movies you'll ever see. I know this may sound like I'm speaking in hyperbole, but I've seen every late-career Steven Seagal movie in the bargain bin at Walmart, so I consider myself an unintentional comedy expert; a title that has ruined my life because I've ironically seen so many movies that I honestly don't even know what I actually like.

Gymkata may not be available through any streaming subscription service, but is available through on-demand purchases. That's right, if you're willing to lose a few IQ points, you can watch this story, fight, romance, and strategically placed exercise equipment crash in the darkness of your living room for the price of a Happy Meal.

The terrible game

Based on the 1957 pulp novel by Dan Tyler Moore Jr., The terrible game, Gymkata is a mess of a film that is impossible to look away from. Featuring the acrobatic maneuvers of Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas as Special Intelligence Agency (SIA) contractor Jonathan Cabot, I have to admit that several of the fights are well-choreographed and will hold your attention. But like most fight movies starring someone who's first an athlete, then an actor, the story falls short in favor of stunts and surprises, while most of its dialogue and exposition feel like afterthoughts.

The focus is on a relentless sporting competition known as 'the game'. Gymkata tries to cobble together a story about international relations with the fictional country of Parmistan. SIA appeals to Jonathan to participate in the game, a 900-year-old tradition that has never had a winner. Those who win the game are not only allowed to live, but are also granted one wish after completing the race, which is a complicated form of survival as far as I can tell with no clear rules.

Desire

Like most action movies set in the 1980s, the threat of nuclear war is the driving force behind Jonathan's entry into the game. Working under instructions from SIA, Jonathan is tasked with winning the very game that claimed his father's life so that he can have the US install a satellite surveillance system on Parmistan that acts as an early warning system for possible future nuclear attacks.

Training under an oriental trainer (Tadashi Yamashita) and a Parmistan princess named Princess Rubali (Techia Abayani), Jonathan develops Gymkata, an unconventional fighting method that combines gymnastics and karate, so he can have a competitive edge in his next match.

If you thought the training montage was going to involve punching bags and long jumping, you'd be sorely mistaken. Most of Jonathan's training involves asking him to listen to the wind while he's forced to climb stairs with his hands for some reason. While I can't say it's a normal way to prepare for a life-or-death race, I can't argue with the results after watching Gymkata.

How convenient!

I could get in Gymkata's complex plot about a coup organized by Zamir (Richard Norton), the king's right-hand man in Parmistan, to overthrow the government, changing the rules of the game to ensure that no one wins, but all you need to know is that the rules are being broken, and Jonathan must survive and win so that he can fulfill his wish for the sake of national security.

And how does Jonathan fare against the various henchmen and Parmistan warriors, you ask?

Luckily for Jonathan, when he's driven down a dark alley that leads to what could be considered certain death, he has a high bar to flip, spin, and get out of trouble. I first worried about Jonathan's safety when he was surrounded by terrorists and warriors in the town square, but that concern was soon wiped from my nervous brain by the discovery of a conveniently placed horse that Jonathan could also mount. , turn around and get out of trouble.

Acting primarily as a vehicle to showcase Kurt Thomas' gymnastics and martial arts skills, each trap or trap Gymkata there is commendable choreography, but they are placed throughout the film in such a way that it makes very little sense while still being a lot of fun to watch.

Watching Gymkata

Gymkata has definitely earned its own cult classic and is definitely a film worth seeking out for its inherent entertainment value. The story arc (or lack thereof) leaves a lot to be desired, but among the game's competitors being thrown violently off cliffs and splashing loudly onto the rocks below, Jonathan's unique and confusing hybrid form. martial arts battles and his flirting with Princess Rubali, performing various punches and kicks, will leave you shocked and confused the next time you need to turn off your thoughts and just let Gymkata happens to you.

If you want to see Gymkata it is available to you upon request Google Play Movies, Apple TV+, Fandango at homeand Amazon Prime Video. And if you want to spice up your viewing experience even more, you can also check out the RiffTrax version if you want to laugh at the commentary.